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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041774">icarus falling</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/killuyama/pseuds/killuyama'>killuyama</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, M/M, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:40:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,009</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041774</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/killuyama/pseuds/killuyama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobio loved Hinata as Icarus loved the Sun, too close, too much. In other words, Kageyama is Icarus and Hinata is Apollo.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>icarus falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey im so sorry</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At first, it was a fleeting thought. A joke made by my grandfather while we worked at the wings. A simple passing comment to invoke a small reaction from me - laughter, maybe shock. But slowly, it began to consume me.</p><p>"What if we could fly to Apollo?"</p><p>What if turned into I want. Want soaked into my marrow, it became a part of my bones. It was a vague idea, not yet flesh, simply stuck as bone beneath my skin - a hidden desire.</p><p>I lay awake at night, thinking of him and how he had been written in tales. Apollo, sister to Artemis, God of the burning Sun. I read all the books my grandfather had left about him, all the writings, all the descriptions. None of the descriptions matched up but they all said he was unbearably <em>beautiful. </em></p><p>He was so beautiful that any mortal that laid eyes on him immediately fell in love. A love so deep and poisonous that it controlled you, it fed on you and your heart. It felt as sweet as nectar, as if the Gods themselves had handed you a cup of nectar but it was unrequited - always. Apollo loved no one. Not since Hyacinth. Not since the prince who had so enraptured him that his death had left him in mourning for two days. Far too long a time for Gods.</p><p>"Wake up! We must work."</p><p>My thoughts stopped abruptly, my hands hung idly. I had gotten no sleep, I simply lay through the night - thoughts of Apollo blossoming in me. Turning me bright as the Sun. I wonder, does Apollo love the Sun? Or does it burn him too? What does the Sun feel like?</p><p>"Tobio! You have been pouring wax on the same part for the past three minutes, the container is empty. What are you thinking about?" Kazuyo looked at me with wide eyes, no anger but rather curiosity.</p><p>It was not often that something so consumed me, overtook me. I was a listener, quiet and quick to follow my grandfather's orders. There was no doubt that my sudden distraction and dreaming had intrigued him. I could never tell him. To love a God was a sin, to view yourself as worthy of them especially when you were not royalty was forbidden. An insult to them. But I could not help it. I did not love him for I had never met him but thinking of him brought warmth to my hands and burned my heart through with desire. I was certain that if you cut my chest open and looked at my heart, it would be covered in flowers - blossomed from thoughts of him. Do you hear me Apollo? I wonder. Do you hear how you consume me, how you control me even though I have never seen you?</p><p>"Tobio! I have called your name at least ten times! What distracts you so?"</p><p>My thoughts froze for a moment before I thought of a good excuse. I did not enjoy lying however this was vital.</p><p>Although my grandfather loved me, he would not excuse how I felt.</p><p>"Freedom. Every day we grow closer, l am simply thinking of what I will do once we are free."</p><p>Kazuyo nodded, understanding.</p><p>He turned back to his work.</p><p>My hands shook as I poured wax. I wanted to see what it felt like, pour it on my hand to get some semblance of the Sun's warmth. There were more important things to do, more vital thoughts to think. My hands worked as fast as my mind ran and we worked all day - late into the night until it was too dark to see my own hand in front of my face.</p><p>We rested and began again. And again. Days passed, so many that I could not keep track but every day, I loved him more. I learned of his love for Hyacinth, the flowers that he made blossom just for him - to keep memory alive. His love for his sister, a threat to Orion who had hurt her once and an effort to kill him. His hatred for his father, how he once denied him when Zeus asked for his help.</p><p>Perhaps I did not know him, but I <em>knew</em> him. I could recognize him: by touch, by smell, I would know him even if I could not see him, by the way he glowed - by the way he was said to play the Lyre. I would know him even as I died, even as the world exploded around me into a thousand stars.</p><p>But, to love him was a sin. Why? How could love ever be a sin when it is kind, it is fondness hidden beneath held hands and flowers, it is tender and enamoring and so thoughtlessly devouring that who you love becomes one with you. Your souls die and are placed in Elysium - together for eternity. What a sad life it must be to never die - to never be with the one you love.</p><p>Is this how Apollo feels? It was not the loss of Hyacinth that he grieved over but that in no world, no realm, no century would Apollo ever see him again for all except a chosen few were banned from the Underworld. It is a sin for a mortal to love a God but for them, it is a curse to love a mortal. This thought made my heart ache for Apollo. It is difficult to love as it is but to love and to lose is a heartbreak that can compare to none other. To love is to lose, and to lose is to love. Perhaps they are two sides of the same coin - maybe all Apollo needs is to love again.</p><p>But, I understand, there are some that cannot be replaced, some that are love in itself. I await the day I find my love and if you hear me Apollo, I await the day you find yours once more.</p><p> . . .</p><p>Days passed as we worked. The work grew more tiresome, the hope began to thin. But thoughts of Apollo were like fire in my veins, I would do all I could to see him once, just once. To see a God even once would be more than I deserve but to see him would be all I desire. We worked until our hands grew rough and our feet were blistered from standing.</p><p>Until one day, finally.</p><p>“I think we will finish them tomorrow Tobio,” Kazuyo muttered as we got ready for bed.</p><p>“Tomorrow? Already? Truly?” The words escaped my lips before I could rein them in.</p><p>“Yes, truly. Tomorrow, we shall escape.” My heart blossomed, I would use these wings to reach the Sun - to see if I could touch him, to see Apollo.</p><p>“I must tell you something important Tobio, before we leave tomorrow.” I nodded, listening. My heart pounded so hard against my chest that it felt as if it would shatter. “You must not fly too close to the Sun. The wings are made of wax, they will melt,” Kazuyo paused and sat down on his bed, “If they are to melt, you will fall - the fall from the tower to the floor will kill you. Do you understand?”</p><p>I understood but I did not want to listen. If I flew too close for just a moment, for just one, they would not melt. It is not a lie to say I understand, I do, but to listen is a completely different thing.</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>“Good. Now sleep. Tomorrow you will do everything you have wanted to do.”</p><p>There was only one thing I wanted to do: see Apollo.</p><p>. . .</p><p>The wings were finished. They were beautiful and big and we had two pairs. We finished suddenly, after a final coat of wax, Kazuyo announced that they were done. We had waited until lunch was given to us - we ate and then he announced it was time.</p><p>There was a sparkle in his eyes that I had not seen for the months we worked on the wings, it was new and special and something someone only got when they looked at something they loved very much. He loved me, of course, he was my only family - he had raised me, but the way he loved his creation was different.</p><p>Kazuyo stated that he would jump off first, for he was old and I was young and if it failed - at least I would know. We argued for a few moments before I decided to simply listen, Kazuyo was far too stubborn and I knew they would work - they were made by my grandfather after all.</p><p>I glanced at the Sun, it was close to me, I was so close that it ached.</p><p>Kazuyo gave me a smile before he leapt off the windowsill. I hurried over and looked. He was flying.</p><p>Sudden desire filled me, I climbed up and hastily jumped, spreading the wings out as Kazuyo had taught me. I fell, and then suddenly, I soared. The wind was warm across my face, it was the first time I had truly felt the wind in years. I soared, the breeze lifting me up and beyond. It felt like I could touch the Heavens, as if I could soar above the clouds and into Olympus. Into Olympus. Apollo. The thoughts rushed into my head, I remembered suddenly and feverishly that this was my chance - to see Apollo, to fly to him, to touch him. To love him. I knew he would not accept me, I was a mortal. I didn't even know if I could see him for he was high up. He was in the Heavens, out of my reach but he was also too great, too bright, too kind for someone like me. How could I be so selfish - so vain so as to think that he would love me? He could not even hear me, he did not even know me. Still, I let the wind lift me above, above, above.</p><p>
  <em>Closer. </em>
</p><p>… Apollo (Hinata)</p><p>It started as a few thoughts, some that especially spoke out to me from all the other mortals. But they were strong, so powerful that I found myself listening to this mortal any chance I could.</p><p>I learned his name from his thoughts - Tobio Kageyama. This name followed a face, black hair, slate grey eyes, uncommon for Greeks but not uncommon for me. I had seen those eyes and that hair many times before but his was different, his eyes were deep and infinite. I felt that if I ever saw them in reality, even I would fall to the hands of a mortal. Those eyes were a shade that I did not know existed. I thought of them - of him constantly.</p><p>He replaced Hyacinth, not quickly but suddenly. It had been years since Hyacinth had passed but the grief did not leave as it usually did until Tobio. Until grey eyes.</p><p>I sat, playing the Lyre as I usually did in my free time. Mortals prayed to me, offered me bread and wine and grapes and I listened closely, awaiting Tobio’s thoughts as I usually did. He had thought about me all day, all night for months but a week - maybe two weeks ago, he wondered about Hyacinth and I. He was more compassionate than most mortals. He did not look to me as someone to do his bidding but as someone who had emotion. Not all Gods were cruel and cold as Hera, some felt, some wept when their followers passed, some loved.</p><p>I realized that I loved him. Tobio. I thought of him constantly, even spoke of him to my sister.</p><p>If this was not love I did not know what it was.</p><p>The strings of the Lyre created a harmonious melody as I played, one that I had come up with myself. I called it - <em>Nolite Maledicere</em>. Curse. To express my love for Tobio - a mortal. A curse in and of itself but a curse that would consume me until he was mine. We were not forbidden from picking and choosing from mortals but he did not deserve to be treated as such. He deserved to be courted, chased after with flowers and ambrosia and poetry that even Aphrodite would swoon to. I decided abruptly to woo him. It was sudden, it was unlike me, but I did not care.</p><p>I called over the nymphs that resided in my home to clean up and prepare something for Tobio. I would woo him and have him be mine today - now. The lyre slipped from my fingers and fell. I put on my chiton - it would not do to see Tobio completely naked. It may increase my chances of wooing him but it is not right.</p><p>I did not need my chariot for such a task.</p><p>I opened the doors to Olympus and jumped down, thinking of where I wanted to be.</p><p>Wings sprouted in my back and I flew until I saw the familiar tower Tobio had described in his thoughts many times. He talked to me often, always ending the conversation with “I know you can't hear me.” But I have always heard him - always seen him. I would recognize his eyes, his voice, his hair, the way he fiddled with his fingers even in death. I would recognize it even at the end of the world. Oh, how I loved Tobio. There was a fondness in my heart that I had not felt for a long time, a fondness that filled me with warmth to my fingertips, it overflowed and turned my veins golden. It felt like loving him was the only ambrosia I needed, he was my food, my water even though I had not met him. Even as the Sun pounded down on my back, I flew towards him, a smile adorned on my lips until I saw a startling sight.</p><p>He was falling.</p><p>…</p><p>Icarus (Tobio)</p><p>I was falling. Afraid, I screamed. My grandfather could not fly towards me because the wings could not be controlled. He watched as I fell, as the Sun melted my wings back into the wax they had been. I screamed, out of fear, out of sadness, out of heartbreak. Until, a man flew down towards me.</p><p>He was beautiful. Golden skin, skin that looked as if it had been made from the light of the stars. Bright hair, orange and striking and bold - just as they all described him. Apollo. He wore a chiton, a half chiton, exposing his arms and his chest and his legs - he was a God through and through. So beautiful.</p><p>I knew I would die before he reached me. This was my fault, I was too foolish, too ambitious. I thought of myself more than a mere mortal. But something was clear to me, something that rippled through my brain as Apollo’s hand grazed mines. As his eyes filled with tears I did not expect to see.</p><p>He loved me too.</p><p>How else would he have seen me? Heard me? Known me? I mustered up my strength.</p><p>“I am sorry for being a curse.”</p><p>Apollo shut his eyes, he let out a wail that sprung me to tears. A heartbreaking, disappointed wail. I smiled. I had found my love. I had seen him, touched him. I stared at him as I fell. Trying desperately to remember, to map every single part of him. His outline, the shape of his muscles, the way his hair fell on his head, the shape of his face, his lips, his nose, his hands, the way he felt.</p><p>Even as I fell, he consumed me. Ah, but he was not what my grandfather had described him as. He told me the Sun would burn me if I flew too close. An agonizing death. But now that I have finally felt the Sun, touched it too. I know it is warm and kind and gentle and beautiful. How could I have ever thought it was cruel? Apollo is not cruel. He is love. And to love is to lose.</p><p>…</p><p>Apollo (Hinata) My hand grazed his, for a moment. Oh, I would have done anything for more than a fleeting and desperate moment, I would have moved worlds for Tobio. I would have eaten the Sun whole if he had asked. I would have captured all the stars in the night sky for him. He was all that I loved. He was all that was kind to me, he was warmth, he was the Sun. He was more than a mortal, he was an angel.</p><p>I wailed as he smiled. As he apologized for being loved - for loving. Loving is not a sin, you told me so Tobio. Tears fell faster than I could stop them. My hands reached desperately, clawing to touch him, to catch him, to reach him. The ground approached faster and faster and I would not make it. The flowers that had blossomed in my heart wilted, the skies turned dark, the heartbreak was not as it had been with Hyacinth - it was death. If Gods could die then I would be taking my last breath. If love could die, then I would die with it.</p><p>I love no one after Tobio, I will love no one after him. I reached and reached and urged my body to move faster, to make it. Oh, please make it.</p><p>The sky split apart as Tobio hit the ocean. His body vanished beneath the waves and I dived, I swam to find him. It was too dark, too dark and lonely and cold. Where <em>was</em> he?</p><p>To love a mortal as a God is a curse. I am a God but I could not even save the only one I loved, the only one who had made me feel as mortals did when they loved. The only one who devoured me and consumed me. Love is poison. And I am a useless God.</p><p>Oh, I am a useless God.</p>
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